Bruises

[abrahamisburning]

okay ive tried several different techniques for my vocals and im most satisfied with recording with the built in mic.

anyway, ive added a few tracks to my site, and Bruises i think is the stand out song, and closest to what im going for.

check it out under the albums section at:
abrahamisburning.tripod.com

i care more about writing good songs, than having a great voice, so any criticism towards the writing end is what im more or less looking for. ideas on adding a bridge, and things along that line. the vocals are a work in progress, its more about confidence and coming out of my shell.

i use the website and the pictures as if im artist, but thats more for fun. its cool to have a look and artist name.
it teases the fantasy.

scott

[mcarp555]

Okay then. We'll approach this as a demo for songwriting purposes, as opposed to a finished recording.

Basically what we have here is a verse/chorus structure that repeats once. The individual sections themselves are pretty straightforward, possibly even a bit predictable. This song cries out for some sort of variation to relieve the a/b/a/b pattern. There are lots of options - bridge, solo, bridge/solo, etc. You could also alter the slant of the lyrics in a bridge. If you're singing to someone (You said. . . ), sing to someone else in the bridge (She said. . . ). No hard and fast rules, but variety is the name of the game.

It's also a bit short, so another verse would help alot as well. If you're stuck for lyrics for a 3rd verse, just repeat the first one again at the end. And I'm not crazy about the rhyme scheme in the verses (all-fall, away-stay). Maybe alternating would be more interesting?

so maybe im afraid of it all
so tempted to push it away
maybe im too stubborn to fall
but something inside is making me stay

I also changed it a bit to make it scan better. Anyway, you wanted suggestions, there are some suggestions.

[abrahamisburning]

much appreciated.
i kind of new it needed a bridge, just not sure how to go about it musically......lyrics are my strong point, so once i have an idea of where i want to go musically (up/down, faster/slower) words will come.

i see your point about the rhyme scheme but thats more a matter of taste, so ill put it aside for now.

any ideas about the "cold/hold" line.
its always bothered me, because the subject of the song is supposed to be INSIDE him, a part of his blood, so i was always uncomfortable with the "hold" part.

what are your thoughts on the overall feel of the music in relation to the subject matter of the lyrics? (vocal and playing ability aside)

scott

[mcarp555]

Lots of ways to go with a bridge - up a fourth, use the relative minor (or major), etc. There are also things like using stops, changing up the rhythm (double-time, syncopate, etc.) that can be useful as well to inject some interest.

I see what you mean about the 'hold' line. It's not grabbing me either. Might need a total change of focus:

There'll be times when the fire's burning low
Can you feel my pulse beating so slow

Or something along those lines.

The overall feel of the music is okay, a lot will depend on how you arrange it. A great emotional guitar line/hook will be crucial, I feel. Both in the intro to grab interest, and in the solo and/or ending to stamp its authority on the song.

[Rob]

you know its not bad idea to get hold of a tune you really like and get the lyrics and chords off the internet, and then study that. in this way you know that you have the right layout etc..you may not know this yet, but i like to use oasis (!!) (also use kinks and u2 and police) alot...print out their tunes and study chord progressions and song structure (intro/verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/verse/chorus/outro is pretty standard) and lyrical content, amount of rhyming (often rhyming only occurs every now and then...and when it does it doesnt always look like it rhymes on paper like ..but sounds like it does when you sing it...as opposed to speaking it...like "easier" and "before"... so errm...thats my two pence.

[Rob]

hey, i should have listened first. its pretty good. but then i like the chili peppers too!!..alll i would do for the bridge is play the verse and chorus in the middle of the tune....maybe all it needs is strum like you strum for the chorus...and pluck on top of it like your doing for the verse....and so a bit of wooohhh waahhhh on top of it. bridge done. when i get to where you are with this tune, i would call it done...the bridge is the fun part.

keep it simple. add a simple bridge, bit of backing vocal, and no harm setting up the tg with bass and drums...in my opinion...i think this is a good tune, nice work.

[abrahamisburning]

i use the prechorus build, to add to the song. so it starts with a picking pattern for verses, goes away for a bit with the prechorus and then comes back strumming for the chorus, so im thinking about playing with the chords in the prechorus for the bridge.

scott